gregorygarver.com

farfel · Joined: 26 Apr 2004 Posts: 4

A Soldier's LifeIt was a long and bloody war,but I knew what we were striving for.Ready to pay the cost, I put on my gear,and down to the Flanders Fields, I walked in fear.Leaving my family behind caused me tremendous pain,and not being with them made me nearly go insane.The sound of gun shots ringing in my ears,day and night, that's all I hear.But I knew I had to continue the fight,so, I gave it all my strength and might.Weak and exhausted, I could barely cope,but standing for my country gave me great hope.Down in the trenches we stealthily hid,fearing for our lives, as we always did.Dealing with diseases that made our bodies rot,the agony of war will never be forgot.Watching my fellow comrades, as the days went by,so many wounded, so many died.The war was nearly over, the time becoming near,to see the ones I loved and those who were so dear.My heart was filled with sadness for the lives that were lost,knowing they loved their country and truly paid the cost.But I was a soldier ready to move ahead,willing to face the future no matter where it lead.It's for a school assignment, so please give me honest and helpful advice on it.Thank you!

theBigDog · Joined: 07 Feb 2004 Posts: 2

Good Stuff..well done..send it to a magazine or soemthing..Playboy is always on the look out for new talent..or maybe Omni

linkus869255 · Joined: 10 Apr 2006 Posts: 6

very good, at first i thought it was written by a veterin. you should recite it with war ambience playing on a tape.

iLOVEnick · Joined: 10 Jul 2003 Posts: 3

For me, it didn't flow smoothly enough. It didn't REALLY paint a picture in my mind, not as much as I'd have liked to see. I want to see it, smell it and feel the grittiness of the trenches. That's just my personal thought.Now then, on technique, I noticed almost immediately that you seemed to shift from a past/present tense to past tense and then seemed to shuffle around a bit. Pick one tense and stick with it.

Thomas2SellRealtor3661 · Joined: 30 Jul 2006 Posts: 6

Excellent! I'd say its an A+.

RobS · Joined: 16 Jul 2006 Posts: 6

Try writing this in 3rd person perfect, it will make a difference and your teacher will be impressed. All the papers I have to write in college have to be in 3rd person, give it a try and see if you like it better. Good Luck

rhsaunders · Joined: 24 May 2005 Posts: 4

if i was your teacher id give you a NM-