gregorygarver.com

Twilight · Joined: 14 Jul 2004 Posts: 5

PLEASE DON'T JUST SAY YOU LIKE IT, PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU LIKED ABOUT IT AND HOW YOU THINK I SHOULD IMPROVE. iF YOU ALL LIKE IT PLEASE STAR IT.

hdembie · Joined: 03 Oct 2003 Posts: 5

I thought that it was interesting...good luck! Myself, I am interested in writing Children's books. Everyone loves to read my manuscripts. I just have not taken the time to pursue it cause I am overwhelmed with nursing school right now... But I promised myself I will not sweep my talent under the rug!Good Luck!!

me2 · Joined: 30 Jun 2007 Posts: 3

It was very interesting but wheres the rest? It sounds very good so far and has rather "interesting" names.

hottotrot1_usa · Joined: 25 Dec 2006 Posts: 8

good plot! but work on your wording, you get a little redundant at times, too descriptive maybe. Also amnesia effects personal memories, someone with amnesia still knows how to function (shake hands, what orange juice is) you need to stay more consistent as well, Aiyana goes from confident to wild to nervous and back all in a span of moments, your not developing a solid character at all. think about who you want aiyana to be and then write her character, don't go from the top of your head. simplify things the first time through then you can add depth when you edit it, don't say aiyana was the first person to enter the room, try saying following her into the room i saw... you'll get it though just keep writing!

JAW · Joined: 26 Apr 2004 Posts: 8

EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!!! Leaves you in suspence and makes you want to keep reading. It could really become a best selling novel.

BrianG · Joined: 24 Aug 2006 Posts: 3

i read the last half of your story and its missing something,i know what it is and you have to find it out on your own to gain more passion and enthusiasm your story line is fine but the thing is somewhat boring you just keep on writting some irrelevant stuff (being over descriptive)